CSI CYBER a Virus on the Airwaves

Article originally published as CSI CYBER Review on Seat42F.

I have long been against crime procedurals. Any decent one is entertaining for a few weeks, but soon, by their nature, the shows devolve into repetitive drivel. When the characters are restrained form exhibiting any real growth and the story must wrap up neatly in an hour every week, the storytelling is extremely limited, making for very flat television. That’s why I watch very few of them.

With the premiere of CSI’s latest spin-off, though, CSI: CYBER, I figured I’d keep an open mind. After all, CSI is the mother of the modern crime show, and the cast is stacked with such greats as Oscar-winner Patricia Arquette (Boyhood, Medium), who already did a decent procedural, hilarious, talented James Van Der Beek (Dawson’s Creek, Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23), and the greatly underrated Peter MacNicol (Numb3rs, Sophie’s Choice). Surely, if there were ever a show in this genre to appreciate, even if only watched briefly, it would be this one.

Sadly, I was sorely mistaken. CSI: Cyber is by far one of the worst television pilots I’ve watched in a long, long time, and that’s saying something.

For one thing, there is not even the pretense of character development. Despite this being episode one, we are introduced to the crime first and the characters second. The action goes right into a kidnapped baby, and all of the running time is devoted to stopping the infant kidnapping ring. A brief nugget is very heavy-handedly forced into the final scene in which we’re told something about the team leader, Avery Ryan’s (Arquette), past, but it’s far too little, too late, and handled poorly.

Secondly, CSI Cyber doesn’t stop to introduce us to anyone. They are all on the job, and while we get a couple of very small hints about their personalities as the hour unfolds, no time is spent setting up their relationships or how they fit on the team, nor is there anything to indicate these players are at all unique. Everyone is brought in in a very straight forward manner, and who they are now is probably still who they’ll be in one hundred episodes, should the show survive.

Third, the dialogue is horrendous. Absolutely terrible. Time and time again, characters utter the most trite, stereotypical, cliché lines. Many of these seem to be delivered merely because it’s time to say them in the story. Someone who has never watched an episode of any incarnation of CSI could predict what the characters are going to say next. There’s an utter lack of imagination present in the script.

Fourth, the effects are cheesy. When Ryan gives CPR to a baby, it’s incredibly obvious that there’s a doll in her hands. When she sits outside the Lincoln Memorial, it feels very staged. Several times throughout the hour, graphics pop up to show us technology, but it’s all superfluous. None of these give any insight into how a piece of equipment works, and the tech is talked about in such general terms that one wonders if these ‘experts’ know anything more than a customer service representative at Best Buy, or worse, your parents.

Fifth, the supporting cast is not strong. Our stars are joined by Charley Koontz (Community), Shad Moss (formerly known as the rapper Bow Wow), and Hayley Kiyoko (The Fosters). None have distinguished themselves before this, and arguably Koontz is the only one who does a serviceable job in this.

I did watch the entire pilot of CSI Cyber, and I am loathe to find a single reason to recommend this show to anyone. Even if you’re into this type of program, this is just about the worst example imaginable of how to make a series in the genre. Even the good actors don’t get to do anything anywhere near worthy of them. CBS is not known for their groundbreaking dramas, but CSI: Cyber represents a new low, forever tarnishing a respected brand and giving a bad name to the type or series it represents.

If you want a good laugh in the spirit of those who watch bad SyFy movies, as this show is barely a notch above them, and by taking itself seriously, may prove to be even worse, then check out CSI: Cyber, airing Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET on CBS.

No "Dungeons" for COMMUNITY

Article first published as No "Dungeons" for COMMUNITY on TheTVKing.

This week's installment of NBC's Community, "Advanced Advanced Dungeons & Dragons," is an excellent entry for the series. While avoiding many of the fantasy-heavy elements other, similar episodes show us, in some stellar acting (with choice sound effects tossed in), the cast paints a picture of a tale as personal as it is made up, luxuriating in the relationships between the players. Plus, there are oodles of the stuff that makes Community so charming.

The little touches that season five lacked are in almost every scene of "Advanced Advanced Dungeons & Dragons." It begins right off the bat as Jeff (Joel McHale) mentions Neil (Charley Koontz) as a background character - while Neil strolls through the background. The Dean (Jim Rash) says the school doesn't have insurance, Abed (Danny Pudi) is excited to tackle the challenge of making a good sequel, and Hickey (Jonthan Banks) doesn't know the game his son loves involving dungeons and dragons is called Dungeons & Dragons. All of these things kick the writing up a notch.

Also, there are little references for Community fans to pick up. The names Abed comes up with for the characters within the game, from Joseph Gordon and Riggs Diehard to the troll, all mean something. And the Hawthorne Mountains are a clear tribute to Pierce.

There are also brilliant lines of dialogue sprinkled within. Hickey's son, Hank (David Cross, Arrested Development), whom the gang plans this activity to help Hickey reconnect with, calls Abed 'Aziz,' which sounds a little racist, but is a wonderful shout out to Aziz Ansari. When Hickey is asked what drew him to this game at age sixty, he responds with "Dungeons. It'd be the dungeons," delivered just beautifully. Chang wondering if Hank means Times Square when saying his father missed birthdays because he was somewhere rhyming with no there is so earnest it evokes a smile. Everything Abed says as a troll, either troll, is gold. And Shirley's (Yvette Nicole Brown) parting shot after dying in the game, "Just remember, whenever the wind whispers through the woods, you got me killed," is classic wit.

But beyond all of this, as usual, it's the character development that makes the installment a winner. Jeff's own relationship with his father colors his desire to help Hickey and Hank reconnect, and the tenuous bond, which a proud Hickey is willingly to do just about anything to heal, it very moving. This parent-child connection is one the show has explored before, and it really works well here.

Of course, Abed is outside of this, not being one who relates well to others. His role in "Advanced Advanced Dungeons & Dragons" is to take the game completely seriously, at the expense of all else. He even gets mad that Hickey treats some of the proceedings as a joke. We're reminded once more why Abed isn't normal, but there's also a vulnerability here that informs on who he is and still makes him sympathetic, and his detachment is what drives the great scenario.

Other, small moments are also worth noting. Hickey's instincts is to punch things in the heart, but that's because he's interested in setting his own rules and not feeling helpless, not because he's overly violent. Annie (Alison Brie) mourns Shirley for only a moment before rooting around in her gear, showing how she presents a nice facade to the world, but is ruthless enough to be a competitor. And the Dean's commitment to playing Jeff's son in the D&D world is not only sweet, but integral to who he is.

The ending of all this is great and realistic. Hank and Hickey aren't all smiles and hugs, but a door has been opened between them as efforts are made. They cannot repair such a broken relationship in one afternoon, but thanks to the Save Greendale organization, they have the opportunity to find common ground to start from. It may be just about the most perfectly constructed conclusion of a Community episode yet.

Community airs Thursdays at 8 p.m. ET on NBC.