Article originally published as CSI CYBER Review on Seat42F.
I
have long been against crime procedurals. Any decent one is
entertaining for a few weeks, but soon, by their nature, the shows
devolve into repetitive drivel. When the characters are restrained form
exhibiting any real growth and the story must wrap up neatly in an hour
every week, the storytelling is extremely limited, making for very flat
television. That’s why I watch very few of them.
With the premiere of CSI’s latest
spin-off, though, CSI: CYBER, I figured I’d keep an open mind. After
all, CSI is the mother of the modern crime show, and the cast is stacked
with such greats as Oscar-winner Patricia Arquette (Boyhood, Medium),
who already did a decent procedural, hilarious, talented James Van Der
Beek (Dawson’s Creek, Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23), and the
greatly underrated Peter MacNicol (Numb3rs, Sophie’s Choice). Surely, if
there were ever a show in this genre to appreciate, even if only
watched briefly, it would be this one.
Sadly, I was sorely mistaken. CSI: Cyber
is by far one of the worst television pilots I’ve watched in a long,
long time, and that’s saying something.
For one thing, there is not even the
pretense of character development. Despite this being episode one, we
are introduced to the crime first and the characters second. The action
goes right into a kidnapped baby, and all of the running time is devoted
to stopping the infant kidnapping ring. A brief nugget is very
heavy-handedly forced into the final scene in which we’re told something
about the team leader, Avery Ryan’s (Arquette), past, but it’s far too
little, too late, and handled poorly.
Secondly, CSI Cyber
doesn’t stop to introduce us to anyone. They are all on the job, and
while we get a couple of very small hints about their personalities as
the hour unfolds, no time is spent setting up their relationships or how
they fit on the team, nor is there anything to indicate these players
are at all unique. Everyone is brought in in a very straight forward
manner, and who they are now is probably still who they’ll be in one
hundred episodes, should the show survive.
Third, the dialogue is horrendous.
Absolutely terrible. Time and time again, characters utter the most
trite, stereotypical, cliché lines. Many of these seem to be delivered
merely because it’s time to say them in the story. Someone who has never
watched an episode of any incarnation of CSI could predict what the
characters are going to say next. There’s an utter lack of imagination
present in the script.
Fourth, the effects are cheesy. When
Ryan gives CPR to a baby, it’s incredibly obvious that there’s a doll in
her hands. When she sits outside the Lincoln Memorial, it feels very
staged. Several times throughout the hour, graphics pop up to show us
technology, but it’s all superfluous. None of these give any insight
into how a piece of equipment works, and the tech is talked about in
such general terms that one wonders if these ‘experts’ know anything
more than a customer service representative at Best Buy, or worse, your
parents.
Fifth, the supporting cast is not
strong. Our stars are joined by Charley Koontz (Community), Shad Moss
(formerly known as the rapper Bow Wow), and Hayley Kiyoko (The Fosters).
None have distinguished themselves before this, and arguably Koontz is
the only one who does a serviceable job in this.
I did watch the entire pilot of CSI Cyber,
and I am loathe to find a single reason to recommend this show to
anyone. Even if you’re into this type of program, this is just about the
worst example imaginable of how to make a series in the genre. Even the
good actors don’t get to do anything anywhere near worthy of them. CBS
is not known for their groundbreaking dramas, but CSI: Cyber represents a
new low, forever tarnishing a respected brand and giving a bad name to
the type or series it represents.
If you want a good laugh in the spirit
of those who watch bad SyFy movies, as this show is barely a notch above
them, and by taking itself seriously, may prove to be even worse, then
check out CSI: Cyber, airing Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET on CBS.
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