My Horror Movie Survival Man Crate

Article first published as My Horror Movie Survival Man Crate on Blogcritics.

I was recently approached by the community manager at Man Crates about doing a Halloween-themed blog post. The topic: What would you want in your Man Crate to survive a horror movie? The exercise seemed interesting, so I gamely agreed to participate, then began to think. (Note: They did not send me any merchandise or compensate me in any way for this column; my participation is merely voluntary because I think this is a fun idea.)

A quick glance at the Man Crates already available on their website isn’t much help. Not because they are not cool; they absolutely are, and I’d like several of them as gifts (if anyone reading this is looking for a present for me). But I know with absolute certainty that nothing among the site’s current offerings could help me escape from a serial killer or monster, or combination of thereof long enough to make it through the opening credits.

Now, I’m not a huge fan of horror movies. They scare me, so I don’t watch a lot of them. Yet, my favorite show currently airing on television is The Walking Dead. This is because it boasts fantastic characters and compelling stories, not because of any chills or thrills. I would never survive a Walking Dead scenario, given the long-term outlook, so I decided to focus on staying alive through the types of horror movies most people like, the ones with a bad guy picking off a group one by one, until one or two heroes survive. How can I be one of those hanger-oners?

Thinking about it, I have a terrific solution. Here is what I’d want in my Man Crate.

First, there should be a ton of weapons and combat supplies. We’re talking massive amounts. Enough to fill a crate big enough to hold a refrigerator, at the very least. I would distribute these among the rest of the group I’m with, selflessly keeping none of it for me. Aren’t I an awesome person? I’m sure I will get tons of thank yous and appreciation.

Second, as soon as the party splits up to hunt down our tormentor, I’d crawl inside the box. There will be a smaller crate inside with the supplies I actually want for myself, including a hammer and nails I can use to secure myself inside the massive crate, making it appear to have never been opened. Surely, our villain wouldn’t waste time breaking into a harmless crate that no potential victims could be hiding inside, right?

Now that I’m safely stashed away, I’m likely to get bored very quickly. I haven’t been bored since around 1995, so this just won’t do. My smaller crate will contain a laptop computer with a good video driver and lots of extra batteries, loaded with many great television shows to watch. I’ve been meaning to get around to The Wire and The Sopranos. This seems like an opportune time to get to them. I’ll want some cushions to make the place comfortable. And I’ll need a way to plug my cell phone (set to silent, naturally) into the computer or batteries because I’m pretty addicted to the Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff app and I don’t want to miss meeting a timed goal just because I’m hiding from a psycho.

I know what you’re thinking. Surely, the sound of the television shows will give away my location. I’ve got that figured out; comfortable headphones are also conveniently stashed in my crate. What about the light, flashing through the slats? Well, this crate is extremely well constructed, with just enough space between the slats to allow air in, but not enough to allow light. Perhaps they overlap in some way. I’m not a crate-builder. I leave this up to the experts. Thankfully, it’s fall, so there won’t need to be an air conditioner or heater, because I really couldn’t stay in a hot, stuffy crate for long.

I’d be tempted to write on the laptop, but I will resist the urge, as the sound of the keyboard could be my undoing. I am sure I will have some type of TV review deadline, as I always do, but I am confident my readers and editors will understand if I take a quick break while trying to survive a horrific experience. Right, (Blogcritics Executive Editor) Barbara? Can the Doctor Who column be late this week?

I’ll probably be in here for a few days, so a good pillow and a warm blanket are required. I don’t do well without sleep. I’d also want some food and plenty of water. That does present the problem of needing to use the restroom. I’m thinking of some type of contraption I can go into with a tube that leads underground, straight through the bottom of the crate so it isn’t visible. Or perhaps a bathroom crate that I can sit on and will somehow suck smells down in. Again, I’m not an expert, so I leave this to someone else. And this is a little more gross than I want to think about, so it’s time to move on.

Lastly, I’ll need some type of surveillance system I can access on the laptop so I know when it’s safe to come out. It should be unobtrusive, a hidden cameras that lacks any blinking lights or operates on remote control. That way, the bad guy doesn’t suspect he (or she or it) is being monitored and come looking for me.

Oh, and now that I think about it, after a few days it will probably be time to text the police for help with that cell phone I’ve only been using to play Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff.

I will be sad about losing the group of people I am assuming I’ve just met (because it would be heartless to hide while friends or family are slaughtered). But I think, with the help of this crate, I might just be able to make it through, and I will make sure my life is a testament to their courage and all that. Or, I’ll at least dedicate a short story to the deceased.

Feel free to weigh in on the comments below about what you’d like in your survival crate and whether or not you think I’ll survive, and check out Man Crates for some cool gift ideas for any guy, whether they be the type who can slay the zombies, or the type that hide in a box and watch TV until its over.

The Simpsons The Fourteenth Season now on Blu-ray

     Now out on Blu-ray is The Fourteenth Season of FOX's The Simpsons. Since it's been a few years since these episodes ran on television, although this Blu-ray is a new release, it's worth noting a number of things about season fourteen. These episodes broadcast from November 2002 through May 2003. Five episodes were actually left over from the previous season. This season won the Outstanding Animated Program Emmy for "Gays of the Condo," as well as a handful of other awards, including one for voice actor Hank Azaria's work in "Moe's Baby Blues" and the show's first Golden Globe nomination for Best Musical or Comedy Series.

     Year fourteen got off to a late start, with "Treehouse of Horror XIII" serving as the season premiere. It is a memorable one, featuring clones of Homer (Dan Castellaneta), the ghost of Billy the Kid taking over defenseless Springfield, and Dr. Hibbert's (Harry Shearer) freaky island. The season continued with a number of great installments. Among them, "How I Spent My Summer Vacation," where Homer rubs elbows with rock stars, "Bart vs. Lisa vs. the Third Grade," where the siblings end up in the same class, and "Large Marge," wherein Marge (Julie Kavner) gets breast implants. The Simpsons also live in a 1895-esque settlement, Marge takes steroids, Homer finds religion, Ned (Shearer) dates an actress, Krusty (Castellaneta) is elected to Congress, Santa's Little Helper's original owner tries to reclaim him, and a suicidal Moe (Azaria) finds meaning in his life because of Maggie (Nancy Cartwright). In this year, Skinner (Shearer) even proposes to Edna (Marcia Wallace), though we all know that didn't work out!

      There is also controversy surrounding season fourteen, in the argument over what the 300th episode of The Simpsons actually is. "Barting Over" was promoted heavily as that landmark, but actually ended up being the 302nd broadcast. There is a joke in the episode that references this, showing how timely the series can be. But it caused quite a stir among fans and suits alike at the time.

     If you're looking for guest stars, Season Fourteen certainly has them. I could list them all, but it would be an extensive list, and readers' eyes will begin to glaze over, so there seems to be little point. Rest assured, they are present, and in droves.

     Best of all, The Fourteenth Season is packed with extras! There are more bonus features than one would inspect, but a great many of them are actually very good. Audio commentary is provided for all twenty-two episodes, giving the die-hard fans hours of audio content to pour over. Many, many people stop by these commentaries, so there is no change of boredom or monotony. Even better, deleted scenes are included with commentary, too, so it's easy to find out why they were cut, something that isn't often included. They can also be added back into the episode, with a small icon indicating the cut material.

     Included are various featurettes. Of course, one looks at the 300th episode. Another interviews the rock stars from "How I Spent My Summer Vacation." There is an introduction by creator Matt Groenig. The multi-angle animation showcase is fantastic for anyone curious about the animation process, taking fans through the various stages of design. There are also sketches on each disc. Really cool is the booklet that comes with the set, which features a full page of information from each and every episode, and a humorous letter from Groenig.

     Season six and seven's "Treehouse of Horror" episodes are included in this Blu-ray set. As these have not been on Blu-ray before, that's kind of nice, though one does wonder why these particular entries are chosen. Continuing with the Halloween theme, "Foolish Earthlings," "The Halloween Classics," and "In the Beginning" present clips from various scary specials, the latter putting together the openings over the years, though don't add that much to the discussion.

     At last, in season fourteen, The Simpsons joins the world of digital coloring. That is not a slam on The Simpsons; it's not like it was behind the curve. But it's great to see such crystal clear pictures, sharp images, and color deviations, even on an animated series. The show is not in widescreen, nor was it ever at this point. As a basic television show, audio does not benefit substantially from surround side. But the dialogue and music is mixed nicely, and everything sounds as good as one might expect. Certainly no problems.

     Buy The Simpsons The Fourteenth Season on Blu-ray today.

     Watch The Simpsons Sundays at 8 p.m. ET on FOX.

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The Cleveland Show celebrates Halloween... a week late

    FOX made a bad move this year by airing The Cleveland Show's (along with the rest of the network's Animation Domination lineup) Halloween special, "It's the Great Pancake, Cleveland Brown", a week after Halloween.  Sure, if they had aired it a week early, that would have been ok.  People anticipate, and get in the mood for, holidays before they occur.  But I've never heard of a network running holiday specials so long after the day has passed before.  I realize that FOX has commitments to baseball, but if they were going to go ahead and make Halloween episodes of everyone's favorite animated series, they should have been put on the air before Halloween, even if it wasn't on their normal night.

     That being said, last night's The Cleveland Show was not a bad episode.  Funny, yes, at times bizarre, but not bad.  A couple of memorable gags were shown.  Upon returning home and finding his house toilet papered, a carved jack o'latern volunteers to Cleveland (voiced by series co-creator Mike Henry) what happened.  Roberta (Reagan Gomez-Preston) claimed not to know what she was (barely) dressed up as, and replied off handedly that she might be a ghost.  Later, in the same costume, she made ghost-like sounds for no apparent reason.  Kendra (Aseem Batra), clad far too skimpily, chased Lester (Kevin Michael Richardson) down the street, as Lester frantically tried to remember their safe word.  Cleveland attended David Carradine's funeral, laughed at seemingly dirty words, then cried when he found out that auto-erotic asphixiation could be fatal.  Sure, some those things were silly, and the latter was a bit wrong, but all elicited chuckles.

     The main plot focused on Cleveland Jr. (also Richardson), Cleveland's childish, dorky son from his first marriage.  Junior wanted to go trick-or-treating dressed up as a pancake, but Cleveland told him that fourteen was too old for such things, and ordered him to stay home and pass out candy.  Junior went out in a rare act of defiance, and was bullied for it.  After that, he agreed to listen to his father as Cleveland transformed him into someone cool, but was still picked on.  Finally, partially at the urging of Junior's step-mother, Donna (Sanaa Lathan), Cleveland realized that he had to let his son be who he was.  But he did not have to allow bullying.  Cleveland and his friends dressed up as other breakfast foods and accompanied Junior on a revenge mission to egg the bullies.  In a last toungue-in-cheek remark, Cleveland admitted he couldn't protect his son from what might happen to him at school the next day.

     The B plot involved Rallo (also Henry) loosing a tooth, he thinks from eating too muich candy, and hiding it under his pillow.  The youngster is shocked and terrified to discover that the tooth is replaced by a quarter, not knowing about the tooth fairy, or realizing that he hadn't managed to slip the gap in his smile past his mother's notice.

     And that pretty much sums up The Cleveland Show.  Cleveland is a loving father, who is a bit too self-obsessed, and thinks he's right far more often than he is.  He often doesn't consider consequences.  Yet, somehow there is a sweet family drama here.  More so than on Family Guy, Cleveland has to be a parent, ironic, considering the title.  It's found it's own niche.  The neighborhood is a little less refined than the show it spun off from, and there aren't as many off-topic side scenes, and Cleveland has proven itself more than a carbon copy.

     The Cleveland Show will never replace Family Guy, nor rise to it's popularity.  But it's worth a watch.  The Cleveland Show airs Sunday nights at 8:30pm.

For frequent mini-reviews and occasional tv news, follow Jerome on Twitter.

Cougar Town: Titles Are Hard

     Perhaps the worst named sitcom currently on television, ABC's Cougar Town is also one of the funniest.  The rotten concept the series began with was ditched early on in the first season, and the show morphed into something really great.  Debate raged last spring whether a name change may help the series pick up viewers, but a new one was never agreed upon.  As a nod to fans, this year's season premiere had "(Still)" above the title.  And since then, there has been a new tag every week making fun of the monkier.  This week's was "Titles Are Hard", which, to Bill Lawrence's credit, they are.  Still, I can't help but wishing they had made a change.  My favorite was the sligthly risque Family Jules, which is way more accurate as to what the show is about.

     That's because the show, whose central character is Jules Cobb (Courteney Cox), is now about her group, as they have become a family.  Yes, the other characters often all revolve around her, and her house is the hang out place.  She gave up on being a cougar a long time ago, and is now in a steady relationship with a more age appropriate man, Grayson (Josh Hopkins).  She's not the only one who was rapidly evolved.  Ellie (Christa Miller) and Laurie (Busy Philipps), who started out as bitter enemies still have their tiffs, but they have pretty much accepted each other, and even sometimes spend time together without common denominator Jules.  Jules's ex-husband, Bobby (Brian Van Holt), who was originally kind of a joke, is now beloved and accepted by all of the others.  Andy (Ian Gomez), while still not the one wearing the pants in his marriage, is valued by his wife, and can make decisions without her.  Even Jules's son, Travis (Dan Byrd), who at first seemed separate from the adults as they came together, finds frequent reasons to be home from college, hanging out with his parents' pals.

     If it all sounds honky dory, that's because it is.  Yet, it still delivers laugh out loud moments every week.  Whether it be a funny new song that Grayson makes up, a new drinking game, turning Travis's bedroom into a Jam Room, or everyone hanging out in Jules's renovated dream bathroom, simple, silly things make the comedy must-see.

     Last night, Jules's father, Chick, came for a visit.  He was played by Ken Jenkins, who was Dr. Kelso on Scrubs.  Scrubs was, of course, created by the same man who does Cougar Town, Bill Lawrence, as his wife, Christmas Miller, has appeared in both shows.  Quick Bill Lawrence trivia: Not only does Travis currently attend college at the set used for the medical school in last season's failed continuation of Scrubs, but the original Scrubs hospital can still be seen every week in Cartoon Network's hilarious Childrens Hospital.  Bill Lawrence things just don't die.  Including Ken Jenkins, who was fresh as ever, and actually, thankfully, though I liked the character, wasn't very Kelso-y.

     The episode focused on Chick's refusal to show Jules much affection since her mother died.  Sure, it was perfectly predictable that the root cause would be because Jules reminded Chick too much of his departed wife.  But their reconcilliation after a big confrontation still jerked a few tears.  It made me wish Jenkins was on the show more regularly, and given Lawrence's penchant for constantly adding and bringing back recurring characters, coupled with his adoration of Jenkins, it could happen.

     The episode also was goofy just because of the Halloween element.  Ellie dressed up as Laurie, and Laurie dressed up as Ellie, leading to some choice one-liners.  Travis later showed up as Andy, which confirms once more that somewhere down the line, as Travis gets slightly older, the cougar concept may be revisited somewhat by a Travis-Laurie pairing, and while it would be weird at first, they do have great chemistry.  Even though she is his mom's friend, much older than him, so maybe not.  Chick was a bear, and no one knew he was at the bar for awhile (except observant or intelligent viewers).  Andy was Burt Reynolds, but as Grayson put it, looked like Dom DeLuise dressed as Burt Reynolds.  Jules thought Grayson was going to be a prince, so she dressed as a princess.  Grayson was actually the singer Prince, again, I saw it coming from a mile away, but still couldn't stop laughing.  Oddly enough, despite all of those great costumes, my favorite was Bobby's Windy Guy, mostly because Ellie and Andy had to have a serious conversation with a guy whose hair was gelled back and had pieces of trash stuck to him.

     If you're not watching Cougar Town, please give it another chance.  It's on right after Modern Family, and I know plenty of you watch that.  Check out Cougar Town Wednesdays at 9:30 on ABC.  In Lexington, ABC is found on channel 10 (antenna), 386 (satellite), or 908 (high definition cable).

For frequent mini-reviews and occasional tv news, follow Jerome on Twitter.