My Horror Movie Survival Man Crate

Article first published as My Horror Movie Survival Man Crate on Blogcritics.

I was recently approached by the community manager at Man Crates about doing a Halloween-themed blog post. The topic: What would you want in your Man Crate to survive a horror movie? The exercise seemed interesting, so I gamely agreed to participate, then began to think. (Note: They did not send me any merchandise or compensate me in any way for this column; my participation is merely voluntary because I think this is a fun idea.)

A quick glance at the Man Crates already available on their website isn’t much help. Not because they are not cool; they absolutely are, and I’d like several of them as gifts (if anyone reading this is looking for a present for me). But I know with absolute certainty that nothing among the site’s current offerings could help me escape from a serial killer or monster, or combination of thereof long enough to make it through the opening credits.

Now, I’m not a huge fan of horror movies. They scare me, so I don’t watch a lot of them. Yet, my favorite show currently airing on television is The Walking Dead. This is because it boasts fantastic characters and compelling stories, not because of any chills or thrills. I would never survive a Walking Dead scenario, given the long-term outlook, so I decided to focus on staying alive through the types of horror movies most people like, the ones with a bad guy picking off a group one by one, until one or two heroes survive. How can I be one of those hanger-oners?

Thinking about it, I have a terrific solution. Here is what I’d want in my Man Crate.

First, there should be a ton of weapons and combat supplies. We’re talking massive amounts. Enough to fill a crate big enough to hold a refrigerator, at the very least. I would distribute these among the rest of the group I’m with, selflessly keeping none of it for me. Aren’t I an awesome person? I’m sure I will get tons of thank yous and appreciation.

Second, as soon as the party splits up to hunt down our tormentor, I’d crawl inside the box. There will be a smaller crate inside with the supplies I actually want for myself, including a hammer and nails I can use to secure myself inside the massive crate, making it appear to have never been opened. Surely, our villain wouldn’t waste time breaking into a harmless crate that no potential victims could be hiding inside, right?

Now that I’m safely stashed away, I’m likely to get bored very quickly. I haven’t been bored since around 1995, so this just won’t do. My smaller crate will contain a laptop computer with a good video driver and lots of extra batteries, loaded with many great television shows to watch. I’ve been meaning to get around to The Wire and The Sopranos. This seems like an opportune time to get to them. I’ll want some cushions to make the place comfortable. And I’ll need a way to plug my cell phone (set to silent, naturally) into the computer or batteries because I’m pretty addicted to the Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff app and I don’t want to miss meeting a timed goal just because I’m hiding from a psycho.

I know what you’re thinking. Surely, the sound of the television shows will give away my location. I’ve got that figured out; comfortable headphones are also conveniently stashed in my crate. What about the light, flashing through the slats? Well, this crate is extremely well constructed, with just enough space between the slats to allow air in, but not enough to allow light. Perhaps they overlap in some way. I’m not a crate-builder. I leave this up to the experts. Thankfully, it’s fall, so there won’t need to be an air conditioner or heater, because I really couldn’t stay in a hot, stuffy crate for long.

I’d be tempted to write on the laptop, but I will resist the urge, as the sound of the keyboard could be my undoing. I am sure I will have some type of TV review deadline, as I always do, but I am confident my readers and editors will understand if I take a quick break while trying to survive a horrific experience. Right, (Blogcritics Executive Editor) Barbara? Can the Doctor Who column be late this week?

I’ll probably be in here for a few days, so a good pillow and a warm blanket are required. I don’t do well without sleep. I’d also want some food and plenty of water. That does present the problem of needing to use the restroom. I’m thinking of some type of contraption I can go into with a tube that leads underground, straight through the bottom of the crate so it isn’t visible. Or perhaps a bathroom crate that I can sit on and will somehow suck smells down in. Again, I’m not an expert, so I leave this to someone else. And this is a little more gross than I want to think about, so it’s time to move on.

Lastly, I’ll need some type of surveillance system I can access on the laptop so I know when it’s safe to come out. It should be unobtrusive, a hidden cameras that lacks any blinking lights or operates on remote control. That way, the bad guy doesn’t suspect he (or she or it) is being monitored and come looking for me.

Oh, and now that I think about it, after a few days it will probably be time to text the police for help with that cell phone I’ve only been using to play Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff.

I will be sad about losing the group of people I am assuming I’ve just met (because it would be heartless to hide while friends or family are slaughtered). But I think, with the help of this crate, I might just be able to make it through, and I will make sure my life is a testament to their courage and all that. Or, I’ll at least dedicate a short story to the deceased.

Feel free to weigh in on the comments below about what you’d like in your survival crate and whether or not you think I’ll survive, and check out Man Crates for some cool gift ideas for any guy, whether they be the type who can slay the zombies, or the type that hide in a box and watch TV until its over.